This infant does not seem to be enjoying his baby cage very much. Credit: Getty Images

The lives of newly minted parents can be filled with anxiety. In between periods of chasing down or cleaning up after their child, keeping their baby safe is an ever-present concern.

Volumes of books have been dedicated to teaching young moms and dads how to be good parents. That’s something I personally know nothing about.

Figuring out how not to be a bad parent, however, is a little easier. And it all starts with avoiding these products:

The Baby Cage

Intended to give urban-dwelling babies a chance to get some fresh air and sunshine, the baby cage is exactly what it sounds like: a wire mesh container for your newborn.

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Despite how dangerous the idea of an infant precariously perched in a cage outside an apartment window, these devices were actually handed out in London to members of the Chelsea Baby Club. Somehow it seems unlikely that the American Academy of Pediatrics here in the United States would make a similar recommendation these days.

Bacon Baby Infant Formula

Earlier this year, TIME magazine ran a cover story featuring a mother breastfeeding a three-year-old child. The story ignited a national debate about breastfeeding, not only for the depiction of the kind of extended breastfeeding evident in the photo, but also over the guilt imposed upon mothers who choose formula.

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The nutritional value of baby formula for newborns past six months might be a subject of debate, there’s no question that what your baby almost certainly doesn’t need is the savory taste of bacon to spice things up a bit.

Although there might be some parents out there looking to give their kids the best from the very beginning, this product is currently out of stock.

The Baby Mop

Every parent knows that newborns can make a mess. So why not have them pitch in with cleaning up a little?

That seems to be the philosophy behind the Baby Mop, which boasts all the comfort of any other onesie with the cleaning power of a mop. Dreamed up in Japan, the Baby Mop has been around since 2008, according to the Huffington Post, but it’s unclear whether this is a real product or a joke.

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Baby Hjölster

Ever heard the expression, “Never bring a knife to a gun fight?” An oft forgotten corollary to that declaration is that you should never bring a baby either.

The Baby Hjölster may make it seem like babies and holsters go together like beans on toast. But there are better ways to teach your young ‘un to be a cowboy than treating them with as much care as you would a revolver.

Luckily, the Baby Hjölster isn’t a real product. Rather, it’s a parody thought up by

The fact that it’s fake, however, actually only makes us want it more.

The Daddle

Piggy-back rides might have been good enough when you were growing up. But these days, with the Internet and iPads vying for your infants attention, you’re going to need an extra edge.

Enter the Daddle, a toy that ensures your child can ride you around before they even really learn to walk.

Of course, children have their whole lives to treat you like a work horse. So why get them started as soon as they’re out of the womb?